The death of an old year and the birth of a new always has me in a hectic, buzzy state. This year I was particularly happy for the conclusion to the holiday festivities. I put, perhaps an undue amount of pressure on myself this past season and felt distinctly not up to snuff. The first week of the new year I took pretty easy. Serving myself with a quasi-break from it all. Now though it's time to get back in the game. My portfolio review is coming up this next week. With a hope of testing out of all my fundamental courses for the first year, I am feeling the weight.
I embarked on this college journey with humility and a students mentality. Fully embracing the core fundamental classes I was about to and might still be subjected to, colour wheels and all. My advisor, however, is a fan and is urging me to test out if possible. I appreciate her enthusiasm. I am trying to stem my own fervour, by submitting my portfolio with a mind of demure. It has been an interesting exercise in self-critique. I am not sure I could ever submit something I am happy enough with. The perfectionist in me is a wild beastly thing, hell-bent on destroying any attempt at censorship or pacing behaviours. It doesn't help that they want things that frankly I haven't done in years. Like charcoal or still life. Agh... The agony, boring landscape and boring still life, they just make me nauseous. sitting through a semester of them will be a test (in the event I don't test out). However, I do believe in the act of repetition and that you can learn something new as long as you are open. So open I will be in any case.
I won a raffle to do an online pottery course I am in the second week. The first week the assignment was to wedge, throw, and destroy 12 balls of clay in three sets with fewer and fewer cone...ing up rounds and to finally video yourself for critique. My take away from this last week. I am too timid, gentle, apprehensive. That stubborn perfectionist not wanting to make a wrong move. Perhaps this is coming from years of working with pen & ink? This week I will work more on that. I appreciate my instructor's kind advice but I am worried after only the first week I am going to make a poor student. Not the best realization to have right before the first semester, of a very long college career. Oh well, I am far from perfect and anything worth doing isn't easy... right?
There really is so much going on at the moment. I haven't kept up writing for the past few months, too much to really touch on. All these things though, I couldn't do any of it without my hands. I am forever in their debt. Completely grateful and blessed to have the tools I do to execute all my visions.
Till next time
May your heart be light, your hands never idle and your mind inspired