Week One Check In:
I am rather happy to report I am being joined in this adventure by the lovely Miss M. We met during the Artist Way and I am more than excited to have her with me on this journey also. We haven't met yet (for "Walking in this World") but we will!
Most notable task was the final task of the week. I was to do nothing. Take 15 min listen to some music. Let your mind trail where it will and whisper to yourself "I am enough.... I am enough". More than alittle resistant has been seeping through the cracks. No I don't feel I am enough. Nor do I feel like I do enough. To say I am in a constant frantic mode, might be an understatement. Years of enduring a less than ideal marriage has blessed my with a strong poker face. So while I may totally seem like I have my shit together and it all figured out. I don't. I never have and most days, I feel like I never will. So I whisper "I am enough". I do the action. Hollow shallow words is all I feel. Defiantly, no hopeful uplifting insight into my greater worth. Ugh
I bought myself some makeup! Grandma Jeannine gave Echo some super fun makeup for her Birthday earlier this month. I slightly jealous after doing both Echo's and Isla's makeup, took myself to Ulta for a grown-up rainbow pallet of my very own!
The vain, egotistical, eccentric me has spent years wondering what is me? The outward version in this case. There is so much talk of branding these days and other such nonsense. Artist go to these art/biz workshops, lectures whatever you want to call them. These people at the podiums are pushing... What is your brand? What is your Brand??? In an effort to get you selling more art. I know it's not just the art industry. It's all industries but I have found it alittle anxiety inducing. Such as, I like this red sweater but is this red sweater me? What if this red sweater doesn't say me... Or scream me!? Maybe I look to conservative for my brand to wear a sweater at all??? I suppose that was the point to make you evaluate yourself and what your are putting out there. I am a bit of a perfectionist. So perhaps I took it alittle to much to heart. In any case I found it. My brand. After all those years of rifling through sweaters, I only kind of liked. It was waiting for me in the isles of Ulta all along.
Sunrise eyes! Mmm, I am IN LOVE with color! Truth is I have always been in love with it. I painted my eyes. Put on a simple black tank and some funky orange leggings and there I am. I feel like myself. I am calling this a successful Artist Date!
I wish I had never stopped writing them. These pages and I, we have a love-hate relationship. I mostly hate them and the mostly love me. I abuse and use them and they just keep coming back. I did 5 out of the 7 days. Another testament to my lack of perfection or my continuing WIP mode. Better next week? Perhaps.
Discovering a Sense of Proportion
"This week inaugurates an ongoing process of self-definition. As you redraw the boundaries and limits within which you have lived, you draw yourself to a fuller size. Coming into ourselves, we sometimes encounter resistance from those in our immediate environment. The readings and tasks of this week aim at bolstering the sense of a realistic self in the face of difficulty and even discounting."
Last week made for a pretty bumpy start. I get the feeling this trend is going to continue. Life is pretty crazy at the moment and the craziness is spilling into everything. Anything worth while doesn't come easy. So I'll push on.
Being yourself. Saying "Yes" to yourself. Giving your wants, desires, and needs priority, in the face of a tumultuous challenge is anything but easy. Especially when you are responsible for wee ones. It's not about being selfish. Something I am constantly reminding myself of. It's about self-care and acknowledging who you are. "Living your truth" as they say. In the end you leave this world alone. You alone hold the keys of regret and pride to your life. You alone will answer to yourself about how well you lived this life, no one else.
I am an Artist. Dynamic and Intuitive, Explorer, "Leaping with my heart" constantly, Severely unorganized with all things deemed unworthy of my attention, Long Art benders and months of wading through deserts of blank pages are my life. The notes of a song sometimes rain down on me. Other times I pull a form from clay into existence. Ecstatic Dance creeps out of my soul and pours out my spine and limbs. I can get lost for hours on the details coming from my pen pencil or brush from the lines of a leaf. More often than not my voice will fill my home with a melody or words that come from nowhere and everywhere. Stories thick and juicy and fun and short dance through my brain and when I have time they make it onto paper. Light, Oh light. Sometimes it will fall in just the right way that not capturing it's fleeting moment would be sinful. Art is everything to me. I have lived many years trying to act like it wasn't. Like I could be something else. I can't. I was born like this. The need to create is insatiable. Sometimes, Okay most of the time, I get annoyed by life and family getting in the way of my work. I love my children but I often wonder if they would have been better with someone else as there mother. Someone who's thoughts weren't in a state of obsessive creation. I am plagued by the feeling of time never being enough. Not enough hours. To many responsibilities and so on. I hired a housekeeper recently. To relieve just a little bit of my mental and physical load. Best decision I ever made. School starts soon and I think having the kids out of the house (all but one). Out of my studio for 7 hours a day will also help. I'll still have long nights of painting. Nights where I greet the morning sun dreary, from working through the night. Parched and tired but satisfied. Satisfied, that is the high that keeps me going back for more. That and the meditative flow. When you are in the moment. Your brain shuts off and it's just you and the work. It always comes back to that. It's about the work. It's about the work. It's always about the work.
May your heart be light, your hands never idle and your mind inspired