I can't. There is just so much. I can't be everything I am trying so hard to be. I am wearing to many hats and falling incredibly short on all of them. Overwhelm, Pressure, Expectations, Turmoil has lead to a series of decisions I wish I had never made. I have long prided myself on my superior decision making and skilled logical thinking. Those are lost amid a torrid of misadventures, broken hearts and bad rational. How do I get back? I find myself settling. Veered off from a logical trajectory. Left where I just simply don't want to be. SO the question. Am I settling? Settling to shut out the noise? Settling to lift of some of the mental burden I am currently crippled under? Settling to avoid the fear? As I ask these questions I already know the answer. Like everyone that ever asked advice from a friend, with the prior knowledge of what the right answer is but the unwillingness to act upon it. I know. I know I am settling. Not settling at this point seems. Reckless. Scary. Putting an all in bet on a spring chicken. Tears come easy while the action for change is lost. Spontaneous and assured are how I easily described myself. Now those words don't even seem like me. Has motherhood done this to me? I am no longer the person I was. Suffocated by my own seriousness I no longer play. I no longer breath. Where is the time I tell myself? There is time. There is always time for play. But there is also the immense guilt I feel when I am not working. What the Fuck! I mean really, What the fuck! Am I going to spend the rest of my life stricken with guilt unable to truly enjoy down time. With a brain constantly focused on my career on my "Work". Where is the moment for me?
I hear all the time that these years that I am in are the most miserable for women. Young children, Floundering careers. Households and expectations, Expectations, Expectations! Assuredly I am ruining the only things I care about despite my best efforts. It is no wonder that I have over the last several months developed debilitating migraines. Migraines that shut me out of the world for 4-5 day with several more days to achingly recover in the real world. That shit sucks. Now with even less time. How will I get anything done? This is nonsense. I need a Vacation. a wealthy and generous Patron, an Assistant, a Manager, a Housekeeper and to move.
On the plus side Thanksgiving will be here before we know it and I can drown all my sorrows on Turkey, Wine and Tiramisu.
May your heart be light, your hands never idle and your mind inspired